


Certainty

by synoct



Category: NU'EST, Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Certainty, Insecurity, M/M, complicated relationship, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-01
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2020-02-10 17:41:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18665233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/synoct/pseuds/synoct
Summary: Going through what's on Jaehwan and Minhyun's mind about their relationship. How they deal with many obstacles of their relationship.





	Certainty

**Author's Note:**

> it's so long since i write minhwan fic. the "I Believe" performance triggered me to do this.  
> i hope i can deliver the story well. 
> 
> i'm sorry in advance if there're some mistakes here and there. hope you enjoy reading it :)

Jaehwan dries his hair in front of the mirror. He has a meeting with the CEO today for his first schedule as a solo singer after wanna one-the group where he started his career as singer-disbanded. There are some dripped-waters flowing through his light skin. He opens his wardrobe and chooses some clothes. His hands move some hangers where some clothes hanged on it. Too often seeing what’s in front of him, he skips the same clothes for the last month. Minhyun’s clothes. He himself doesn’t know why he didn’t give them back to Minhyun or took them out from his wardrobe. He knows that Minhyun left some traces there, his previous dorm, on purpose. As if he said, “just keep them yourself.”

Jaehwan couldn’t move on for some time. But, even though the burden of being left alone at the dorm come to at ease these past days. He just couldn’t remove all the traces his beloved group members left there completely.

He passes the quite living room after getting ready. His manager just arrived at the dorm.

“here, I bought you some meals.” said the manager.

“I’ll eat them in the car,” Jaehwan replies.

Jaehwan closes the door and leaves the empty dorm. The dorm has the witness of his shed tears exist in the first month of being left by other members. After going back to the dorm after the last dinner with them, Jaehwan cleaned after himself and rushed into his room. He checked his phone and got the message from his manager that he could get a rest for the time being until the next schedule.

Used the most comfortable pajamas, he played his guitar and sang many genres of songs. Tried to distract his mind from his group last concert that ended a few hours ago. The clock hanging up on the wall in front of him showed 4 am. His voice could be heard from the living room that empty but suddenly the singing stopped. Apparently, the harder he tried to distract his mind, the more he realized about his feeling.

He’s alone there in his room. In his dorm. Some shed-tears dripping through his guitar on his lap. He cried silently.

***

Members often joke on his kakao talk group. Jaehwan sometimes replied with another joke. The group chat is alive these past days. Sometimes they share their new accounts of sns and asks the others to follow them. New path already begins and the day starts to bright again. After finishing his practice Jaehwan goes back to his dorm. His phone vibrates. Minhyun calls him. It’s his first call after a week. A smile appears without Jaehwan realizes. He takes the phone immediately.

“hyung!” Jaehwan answers and can’t hide his excitement.

“Jaehwan-ah, what are you doing?” a very familiar sweet voice can be heard from Jaehwan’s phone speaker. Minhyun’s voice.

“I just got home. What are doing hyung? Why didn’t you sleep yet? It’s already late.”

“I just finished my schedule and I know that you didn’t sleep yet. You often sleep late.”

“ah, hyung, why do you call me this late at night? I want to take a rest.”

“have you eaten?” Minhyun ignores Jaehwan’s ranting. Jaehwan smiles because of Minhyun’s caring. It makes him warm for no reason.

“of course I ate already. I ate with manager hyung earlier.” Jaehwan answers and can’t stop smiling.

“never skip your meal. well, take a rest. Good night Jaehwan-ah.” Minhyun says as soon as he heard the reply. Jaehwan is a bit disappointed to end the conversation too soon.

“night hyung.” Jaehwan answers.

Minhyun ends the call. He lies on his bed. Reminiscing moments in this past 2 years when he joined the produce 101 seasons 2 until he ended his activity with wanna one last month. One of his concern, before he would take a different path with other members, is Jaehwan. He told his previous manager about this thing.

“Jaehwan always works hard. He skips meals without him realize.”

“he is a bit clumsy.”

“after we separate, I’m afraid no one would remind him to eat. No one would remind him to get a rest and stop working for a while. No one would help him to choose his clothes. And, I’m afraid, no one would accompany him when he’s sick.”

***

Jaehwan is very excited. This is his first time coming to England. He already made a plan to watch the soccer game of his favorite team there. The staff of his agency proposed to make Jaehwan vlog that records Jaehwan’s activity including his activity in England. Meeting with many celebrities from around the world there gives him an unusual excitement. Some celebrities catch his eyes even though after that it reminds him of Minhyun. It is his first schedule after being a solo Kim Jaehwan. Being a special guest for a London Fashion Week.

He visits some sites to do a photoshoot of the brand he was invited from. The heritage building is everywhere. it gives the place a new vibe. _It’s in England_. He said inside. For the first time, he is going abroad without other members. It makes him more realize, he starts a new journey of life now. it’s sad remembering how they separated but at the same time, he’s grateful to be able to get a promising opportunity to be a solo singer like this.

He’s back to his hotel after finishing schedule of the day. Orders some menu for his dinner. He eats alone. His eyes move to his phone beside him and send a text.

_Jisung hyung, what are you doing? I’m having dinner now. it’s lonely without you hyung :)_

Jaehwan breathes out. His memories of members always come every time he’s being alone like that. Not long after, his phone flashes on. A new chat comes.

_Yah. I just finished the fan meeting. What do you get for dinner?_

Jisung is like a real brother for him. He is the only person Jaehwan can share his thought with. The most trusted friend for him. The one that he comfortable to go out with. Even though deep inside his heart, he wants Minhyun to be always there like Jisung.

Right before he sleeps, Minhyun calls him.

“Jaehwan-ah.” Minhyun voice can be heard on the earphone.

“hyung.” Jaehwan replies excitedly.

“how was England? I just arrived in Paris.” Said Minhyun.

“it’s great hyung. I feel like traveling now. it’s a bit lonely cause usually there’re other members with me. Usually, it’s very noisy in the waiting room. But, all I can hear is the staff voice. Hehe..” Jaehwan replies.

“so am i. it’s only me and some staffs on the plane. I usually get to do sightseeing with the members, but this time, only the staffs accompany me. Have you eaten? Why didn’t you sleep yet?” asked Minhyun.

“I just have done with the recording for my vlog and now I’m looking for my photos taken by fansites,” Jaehwan said as he lurking on twitter and reading some fans tweets.

“I saw your pictures earlier. It turned out well.”

“you still searching for my pictures on sns? ah hyung, don’t do that. It’s very embarrassing.” Said Jaehwan a little surprised.

“why? They turned out well. You’re handsome Jaehwan-ah.” Minhyun said. Jaehwan blushed as soon as it blurted out by Minhyun. Before Jaehwan gets to answer, Minhyun continues his words.

“it’s already late. I have to unpack my stuff first. Goodnight Jaehwan-ah. Don’t sleep late.”

“Okay, night hyung.”

A night call became a daily routine for Minhyun and Jaehwan. Without him realize, Jaehwan always waiting for Minhyun’s call at night.

***

He came to a new life after separated from other members. The sorrowful feeling slowly disappears as time goes by. He'd get used to living alone now. Every time he finds an article about other members’ activity on the news, it makes him happy for their success. It’s already 2 months after the last concert. In 2 months he’s got a lot of rest. It feels like a long hibernation after a bunch of schedule in his last 2 years.

“Minhyun hyung always calls me at night. Every time I would sleep, his call came.” Jaehwan rants at his manager in the car when they go to the practice room.

“don’t pretend that you don’t like it. I know that you’re so happy with it.” The manager is tired of this kind of ranting already. Jaehwan gives him a naughty smile.

The situation is much easier than he expected. He knew it, he had to keep going. The disbandment of the group that made him known all over Korea was a fate that he should face. He felt relieved to be able went through the though days but on the other side, he was sad to remember all of the happiness the members gave him along the journey.

Months prior to the disbandment and the last concert, the members spent time together more often. Talked to each other more often and shared their thought more often. There are many things disturb his mind in the last months. He knew that if they all lived separately, he couldn’t get in touch with Minhyun as often as that days. He was nervous about what would happen to their relationship. Especially after Minhyun said, “Jaehwan-ah, don’t be too dependent on me.”

Jaehwan was getting used to the other. Since he knows the other, Minhyun was the most caring of him. He learned many things from Minhyun. His diet. His exercise. His appearance. All of them got input from Minhyun. He was got used to being nagged by Minhyun to eat and rest. Even though at the time, he was mad many times to be treated like a child. Now he misses those moments.

Their relationship was like a wave. Sometimes it’s up on the heaven. Sometimes it’s in hell.

“what would our relationship be?” Jaehwan asked himself many times. It’s hard to maintain the relationship if they’re too busy with their own schedule. Even though they still keep going, they couldn’t meet each other every day like those days. They’re drifting apart for some time. Gave each other spaces. But in the last months of their lives together, Minhyun spent more time with him. He thought him many things. He reminded him of many things.

“I won’t be with you as much as this time. You should take care of yourself.” Minhyun often said. The glimpse of Minhyun hugged him and kissed his forehead comes to his mind.

After the long mind-journey, he’s back to reality.

***

The situation of the entertainment industry in Korea isn’t good now. Many celebrities got scandal and it affects their career. They fell from the high lifestyle of celebrities to the bottom of their career. Some of them retire from the industry. It’s not easy to be celebrities in Korea. They need to work really hard to get the position of being recognized by people. So, they have to make sure that there is no scandal appear.

“I’m scared of writing a message now.” Jaehwan shares his concern to his manager after knowing many chatrooms being leaked to the public.

“you just start your career. It’s not easy to get what you get now. you should be careful.” The manager explains.

“don’t let anyone sees you with Minhyun.” The manager continues.

Jaehwan misses Minhyun. The two of them busy with their own schedule and couldn’t meet often. Being scared of scandal gets them, they let it like that.

“I’m sure, Minhyun also think the same way. He wants to protect you.” The manager keeps talking.

“do you think so?” Jaehwan asks.

“don’t you see it? Everyone can see how he cares for you.” The manager replies.

“I know he cares for me but I’m afraid if it’s only my hope,” Jaehwan says.

“do you remember when you admitted to the hospital last year after you faint?” the manager asks.

“yes- and?”

“I accompanied him to the hospital secretly without other staffs know. We asked other members to keep it secret too. He’s worried about you and took a risk to see you even though he’s not feeling well at the time.” The manager explains. Jaehwan remembers that day. He fainted because there’re full of schedule those past months. He was on a diet to lose weight. His body couldn’t hold it anymore. After they finished the practice, Jaehwan fell on the floor. Since then, Minhyun always nagged him if he skipped some meals. Minhyun didn’t agree with Jaehwan trying to lose weight because he’s worried about Jaehwan’s health. 

“why didn’t anyone tell me about this?” Jaehwan asks.

He didn’t realize of this sweet side of Minhyun. Back then Jaehwan was very angry when Minhyun forbid him to do the diet. Jaehwan wanted to look better on camera while Minhyun doesn’t need much effort to look good on camera, Jaehwan thought. _It’s not fair_ , he said back then. _who’re you telling me what to do?_ Jaehwan said a hurtful word to the other at the time.

“because everyone thought you already know. That’s only one thing among many other things that he did for you.” The manager replies.

“tell me everything hyung.” Jaehwan insists.

“he asked me to look after you.” The manager continues.

“in the last few weeks before he left the dorm. He told me his concerns about you. He wondered whether you would eat well, get rest enough and happy. That would be your first time being a solo singer. This is not easy to be a celebrity. So much pressure you’d get. It worried him.” The manager keeps talking as he drives the car.

Jaehwan spacing out. He feels like get a confession from someone who secretly admiring him for a long time. He wasn’t so sure about Minhyun’s feeling for him before. There are many times when Minhyun tried to make a space between them. At the time, it hurt Jaehwan’s feeling. He had used to be with Minhyun and was being cared for by him. After they had drifted apart, Jaehwan learned to not too dependent on the other. “I can live well without you, hyung,” Jaehwan madly said inside at the time. Apparently, all of them were for Jaehwan’s best. Minhyun thought about that far. Minhyun knew for sure, the relationship wouldn’t be easy. He wanted to protect Jaehwan.

Jaehwan arrives at his practice place not long after. He practices for his first performance as a solo singer. His first time appears in TV broadcast as Kim Jaehwan, not as Wannaone Kim Jaehwan. He keeps reminding of the conversation with the manager at the car while he sings the song.

_You didn't cry as much as me, without a lot of tears, you tried to give me a painless good-bye._

_I know that you will one day return to me, that I believe,_

_I will wait for you. I'll do it for you._

Triggered by the song that fit his situation now, in the end, Jaehwan cries at the practice room. He wonders why after all that the manager told him, he misses Minhyun more. It’s already a month he didn’t see the other. Jaehwan has been understanding since long ago that he should let aside his feeling. Now, he’s surer that even though Minhyun is not there with him, he will always have a special place on the older’s heart.

Jaehwan sits on the floor after he finished his practice. He lets his back rests on the wall behind him. From the mirror wall in front of him, he can see his swollen eyes. Jaehwan raises his phone and uses his earphone. He calls someone.

“Jaehwan-ah!” Minhyun picks up the phone.

“hyung, what are you doing?” as soon as Jaehwan hears the older’s voice, he almost burst into tears again.

“I’m in the middle of a photo shoot. What happened?” Minhyun replies and doesn’t realize Jaehwan’s voice is a bit shaky.

“hyung, I miss you. I miss you, hyung.” A glimpse of Minhyun at the last time they meet comes. Every time they meet, Jaehwan doesn’t know whether he could meet the older again. It makes him cry for real now.

Minhyun hears the sobs and his expression changes.

“Jaehwan-ah, what happened?” Minhyun worries.

“nothing, I only miss you.” Jaehwan tries hard to make his voice can be heard clearly as he wipes his face many times.

“I’m here. It’s my voice. Should we do a video call?” Minhyun suggests.

“no, it’s okay, you’re busy now.” Jaehwan rejects the suggestion and his voice heard more stable now.

“okay then. Jaehwan-ah, I should go back. I’ll call you later, okay. I love you.” Minhyun says after someone calls him at the back.

After a short call, he feels better. He always felt insecure. He’s afraid Minhyun would leave him completely. On the other hand, he had his pride to hold himself telling the older about his feeling. He pretended that he lived well with or without Minhyun. He tried hard to show the older that he’s fine on his own. Insecurity killed him. But after knowing all of the reason why Minhyun was like that, he realizes that he’s selfish.

 

_You are the only reason..._

_That waiting gives me enough happiness._

_Love is the only reason..._

_As days pass by,_

_If you forget the way, I'll be waiting_

_I do it for you._

_I do it for you._

***

Jaehwan spends more time at the office today. He has dinner at 11 there with the staffs. He goes back home right after that.

Right after he arrives at the dorm, he thinks that his dorm has an exceptionally neat and clean than when he left this afternoon. He wonders whether some staffs come here to help him clean the house. He takes off his sweater and throws it on the couch. Suddenly he hears a sound from his room when he was taking the mineral water. His heart suddenly beats roughly. Afraid that it will be a thief or sasaeng came to his house. He takes his broom on the kitchen and goes to his room in silence. As soon as he opens the door, someone tall stands in front of Jaehwan’s table. His eyes fix on opened Jaehwan’s composing book that he holds. Jaehwan’s eyes grow bigger.

“hyung!” Jaehwan calls him in excitement.

The two of them hugs each other as soon as their eyes meet.

“I miss you, Jaehwan-ah!” says Minhyun as he smiles.

***

Minhyun sleeps over there. It was so long since the last time Minhyun being there beside him, hugs him before he falls asleep.

Minhyun holds his phone on his right hand while the other hand becomes a pillow under Jaehwan’s head. He opens his fan cafe and his sns and finds some hate comments toward him. His most concern these days is whether he is accepted by the fans of his recent group. He often sees many fans in a fight because of him and he doesn’t know what to do. How does he have to behave? What should he say? What should he do? How to make them believe in him?

He looks at Jaehwan sleeps peacefully. He kisses the younger’s forehead and realizes how he loves the other. Jaehwan never knows about his concern. Minhyun is like that. He keeps it by himself. He only talked about that to his fellow group members. Just with Jaehwan’s being there, makes his feeling much better.

***

Minhyun left already when Jaehwan opens his eyes. Minhyun left early to avoid any fans caught him goes out from Jaehwan’s house. _That was a very short meeting_ , Jaehwan says inside. _If I knew it, I wouldn’t sleep at all_. Even though he knows that Minhyun won’t let him do it.

Jaehwan reaches the kitchen as he rubs off his eyes many times. There’s a pair of sandwich on the dining table. Apparently, Minhyun had made him breakfast before he left.

He eats the sandwich while remembering what happened last night. Minhyun asked him whether they can start their relationship over again. They finally talked about their relationship again. They were a couple long before and had drifted apart because of their condition. They were in a complicated relationship these past months.

“but, it’ll not easy. Are you okay with that?” Minhyun asked him last night.

“it’s never been easy from the start,” Jaehwan answered.

Minhyun relieved of Jaehwan’s answer. He hugged the younger tightly.

Jaehwan realized that there’re many obstacles in front of them. Their fans and their respective agencies, each one of them has their own expectation toward Minhyun and Jaehwan. On the other hand, the two of them want to get their own happiness.

 _Let’s just face it together_. Minhyun and Jaehwan read each other's mind.

An image of Minhyun kissed him last night comes to Jaehwan’s mind. A very sweet kiss. Jaehwan bits his lips, unconsciously smiling. He takes the small paper beside the plate where the sandwich was placed. Minhyun’s note.

 _I love you, mine_.


End file.
